Новшества в нашем офисе

All
This is important, please read all the way through.
Despite many requests, there are still too many occasions when people are speaking Russian when other nationalities are present, leading to feelings of exclusion and also probably linguistic inferiority, and this may have a serious effect on our business. From now on, it is forbidden to speak Russian in the London office in mixed company.
However, it has also been pointed out to me that London, being a truly international office, should have a language that does not discriminate against anybody, and by imposing English as the main language we are discriminating against all other nationalities. Therefore, from now on, British people are forbidden from speaking English in the London office when other nationalities are within earshot.
So, I have to select a language which will be suitable to all. French is not appropriate given that we have a number of native speakers, and the same with German. Spanish is too similar to French. I had considered a Scandinavian language but I discovered that Graeme can speak some Norwegian – which means he can probably speak all the others too because they are so similar. Turkish and Polish are ruled out too. The fastest growing language in the world is Chinese, but while it would be very useful to understand exactly what insults are being thrown at you when you next visit the Chinese takeaway, it’s not very practical.
That leaves one language which is fairly close to home, has similar foundations to other Western languages, and which would also come in handy if you happen to find yourself in Indonesia or South Africa. That language is Dutch. Having played cards with a Dutchman, I can state that ‘hearts are trumps’ (harten zijn trouven) but I reckon that doesn’t count.

To help everyone get used to this, I have arranged some lessons starting from next week (run by Mrs Nicet Ulips from a company called Gymmyabrayk Ltd), and it is compulsory that you attend. A schedule will be sent out shortly. As part of this policy, it is also forbidden to use expressions or phrases which include the word ‘Dutch’ (going Dutch, Dutch courage, I’m a Dutchman etc) and every Friday, as a kind of dress down day, everyone will be required to wear something orange.

Please note that English will continue to be the common written language for the time being, and will be reviewed once everybody has become fluent in Dutch.

If you wish to complain against this policy, you have until 1pm, after which you will be called a jackass and frogmarched to the nearest calendar.